I recently found myself seated at Chuy's, one margarita and one pina colada in, with my dear friend MA. We had been chatting about her life in Austin, my life in Houston, and how exciting this whole wedding thing was, when she very seriously leaned across the table.
"Heather, here's the deal: statistically speaking, you will definitely out live Josh and I will definitely out live whoever may be in my life."
"...okay...?"
"I think, when our husbands are dead, and you and I are alone in our old age, we should pick up our things and move to Scotland. Just picture it! We could buy a little cabin in the middle of a field of heather plants and dry herbs from the ceiling beams and make tea. Maybe you will have some medical skills and we could market ourselves as the local witches and sell herbs brewed together into survival potions. Also we will obviously only wear plaid and sweaters. Are you in?"
"Hmm...can we have a few sheep? That way we could harvest the wool and knit our own sweaters. We only need three you know, just enough for wool and companionship."
"Absolutely."
"Okay, I'm in!"
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to Chuy's and good friends, I now have a life plan for the worst case scenario, and really, it's not so bad. I think I would make and excellent old, shrived, Scottish witch. With or without the pina colada.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Secret Keepers
I cannot keep a secret. Ever since I first discovered the concept of gifting, my extreme excitement has caused me to let approximately 93.8% of cats out of the bag. For me, the most fun part about giving a gift is the excitement, which I discovered with most people, can be exacerbated by dropping hints. My issue is that the hints are usually more like spoilers. For example:
H: You wear it, it's made of cotton, and it has your favorite animal on it.
T: You got me a sloth T-shirt???
H: YES!! I mean uh...no...
H: It will make your skin awesome and you will smell like flowers.
M: Bath and body works lotions??
H: YAY!! What? I mean...no...
H: It has paper, a story, and an author.
D: A book!!
H: WHAT IS THIS? HOW ARE YOU ALL SO GOOD AT GUESSING?
As you probably picked up, I have a problem.
This last weekend was Josh and I's wedding shower. It was awesome. Most of my family and most of the adults in Josh's family along with a large sampling of our college friends and the wedding party came up to Houston to play games, open presents, and visit. It was lovely, except for one thing, every time I would walk up on a group of my female friends, conversation would cease and all of them would avert their eyes and bite their lips. This went on for the beginning of the party until I was able to single out the weakest member of the heard, my college roommate, R.
"So hey, R, what's going on?"
*shifty eyes* "What do you mean?"
"Do you have a secret?"
*sweating* "Ss-secret?"
"Yeah, maybe about me?"
*hyperventilating* "IF YOU DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE I WILL GIVE AWAY ALL THE SECRETS OF YOUR LINGERIE SHOWER AND ALL THE OTHER BRIDESMAIDS WILL MURDER ME IN COLD BLOOD.
I may have a problem keeping a secret, but apparently I'm not the only one. As I looked around at the guilty faces of my guests, I was overwhelmed by two conflicting ideas, Sherlock the snot out of these weak fools, or let them keep their secret and patiently await the party. I decided on a compromise. I would ask her one simple question and if she divulged anything I wouldn't stop her, but if she held strong, I wouldn't press her.
"Will it be awesome?"
"Oh yeah."
"Perfect."
Here's to you ladies, for keeping 6.2% of the cats in the bag, for this week.
Monday, October 28, 2013
The Car Charger
So I have a habit of forgetting to charge my phone. Most of the time, this really isn't a big deal since I spend a significant amount of my life, "off the grid." However, this can become a problem when I'm carpooling to work with Josh and am supposed to be letting him know when I'll be arriving at the plant. It also may occasionally cause a small issue when I'm at target and my Dad needs me to pick up something he forgot. Perhaps it could even be construed as a small mishap when I'm supposed to be pressing the button to let my brother into Josh's apartment. But besides that, it's really not a big deal, really.
Approximately three months ago, Josh started mentioning, "hey Heather, you may want to get a car charger." I told him if I thought about it while I was at the store I would look at them. A few weeks went by and my Mom asked politely,"Why do I bother paying for phone service if you never answer?" I answered equally as politely that it was dead.
About a week later Josh went on his first business trip. He had been selected from the engineers to go to College Station (WHOOP!) and recruit at the Engineering Career Fair. (AKA: where the highly intelligent, and sometimes-but-not-always-awkward individuals get jobs) This was a big deal for several reasons, firstly, he would get to represent the company for the first time in public, secondly, he would be responsible for helping to determine who got interviews, and thirdly, because the level of free swag at the ECF is out of this world. I watched Josh prepare boxes of mechanical company pencils, t-shirts with a (classy?) company logo on the front, and even Eddie Bauer jackets (yes, I got one. Perk level: Expert). As he pulled off for his first, big, professional, adventure he looked like the picture of success and I waited anxiously to hear what life was like in our college town as an important adult.
He returned a few days later full of stories about different recruiting tactics employed at the fair, (examples: listing starting salaries on a poster, having the most epic goodies, and sending the most beautiful women in the company.) the people he had interviewed, and the friends he had seen. Oh and he also brought home some goodies. After dinner, Josh, with gravity, informed me that he had brought me back something special from the fair. Immediately I got excited. He reached into his bag and regarded my excitement as he slowly extracted a small plastic bag. He handed it to me a declared proudly, "I brought you a car charger." Sure enough, inside the bag was a small cigarette lighter to USB converter proudly emblazoned with the logo of a large chemical company. He continued, "it has this little blue light that can be kind of annoying, so I blacked it out for you so it wouldn't be quite so bright when you are driving in the dark."
Yes, I am marrying a wonderful man who not only brings me back presents from business trips, but also does his best to make sure that I'm not stranded or lost without any hope of communicating with others, or annoyed by a little blue light. It's certainly not hard to love that.
UPDATE: Heather has gone from an 80% chance of phone death to a 5% chance, significantly lowering the chance of being killed by a chainsaw murderer on the side of the road and having no one know.
Approximately three months ago, Josh started mentioning, "hey Heather, you may want to get a car charger." I told him if I thought about it while I was at the store I would look at them. A few weeks went by and my Mom asked politely,"Why do I bother paying for phone service if you never answer?" I answered equally as politely that it was dead.
About a week later Josh went on his first business trip. He had been selected from the engineers to go to College Station (WHOOP!) and recruit at the Engineering Career Fair. (AKA: where the highly intelligent, and sometimes-but-not-always-awkward individuals get jobs) This was a big deal for several reasons, firstly, he would get to represent the company for the first time in public, secondly, he would be responsible for helping to determine who got interviews, and thirdly, because the level of free swag at the ECF is out of this world. I watched Josh prepare boxes of mechanical company pencils, t-shirts with a (classy?) company logo on the front, and even Eddie Bauer jackets (yes, I got one. Perk level: Expert). As he pulled off for his first, big, professional, adventure he looked like the picture of success and I waited anxiously to hear what life was like in our college town as an important adult.
He returned a few days later full of stories about different recruiting tactics employed at the fair, (examples: listing starting salaries on a poster, having the most epic goodies, and sending the most beautiful women in the company.) the people he had interviewed, and the friends he had seen. Oh and he also brought home some goodies. After dinner, Josh, with gravity, informed me that he had brought me back something special from the fair. Immediately I got excited. He reached into his bag and regarded my excitement as he slowly extracted a small plastic bag. He handed it to me a declared proudly, "I brought you a car charger." Sure enough, inside the bag was a small cigarette lighter to USB converter proudly emblazoned with the logo of a large chemical company. He continued, "it has this little blue light that can be kind of annoying, so I blacked it out for you so it wouldn't be quite so bright when you are driving in the dark."
Yes, I am marrying a wonderful man who not only brings me back presents from business trips, but also does his best to make sure that I'm not stranded or lost without any hope of communicating with others, or annoyed by a little blue light. It's certainly not hard to love that.
UPDATE: Heather has gone from an 80% chance of phone death to a 5% chance, significantly lowering the chance of being killed by a chainsaw murderer on the side of the road and having no one know.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Pony up?
"Hey, would you still love me if I had a ponytail?"
After taking a moment to process this question, gazed up from my tea to survey my fiancee, Josh. At that moment, he was staring at me intently from the driver's seat as we drove though rural Texas on our way to God's country. I took in his deep chocolate eyes framed by his square glasses, his strong jaw and lovely cheekbones, and his perfectly formed, unbroken nose and for a moment entertained the idea. I mean Josh is a handsome guy, but really, the ponytail could only go one of two ways.
Ponytail #1:
It's the turn of the century and Josh is astride a large black stallion, bareback (obviously), racing across an open field. He is wearing soft leather boots, those tight riding breeches which leave nothing to the imagination, and a white shirt, open to reveal his chest hair. as my eyes travel up I see his handsome features displayed in the sunset with his dark, lush hair pulled back in a leather thong revealing his powerful neck. Rawr, ponytail.
With this image in mind I turned to tell him I would absolutely adore him in a ponytail when suddenly, a second image of Josh flashed across my mind.
Ponytail #2:
Josh is strolling down the lane of a quite country town. He is wearing jeans and a hand-knitted sweater to ward off the chill. Suddenly, he turns into his home and what appeared to be a slightly shaggy haircut is revealed to be a tiny awkward ponytail. Yikes.
Having had two very different visions, I again took stock of my fiancee.
"Darling, I would love you no matter what your hair looked like, but maybe you should stick with what you've got."
Sometimes, it's better not to know which of your fantasies would actually come true.
After taking a moment to process this question, gazed up from my tea to survey my fiancee, Josh. At that moment, he was staring at me intently from the driver's seat as we drove though rural Texas on our way to God's country. I took in his deep chocolate eyes framed by his square glasses, his strong jaw and lovely cheekbones, and his perfectly formed, unbroken nose and for a moment entertained the idea. I mean Josh is a handsome guy, but really, the ponytail could only go one of two ways.
Josh without Glasses
Ponytail #1:
It's the turn of the century and Josh is astride a large black stallion, bareback (obviously), racing across an open field. He is wearing soft leather boots, those tight riding breeches which leave nothing to the imagination, and a white shirt, open to reveal his chest hair. as my eyes travel up I see his handsome features displayed in the sunset with his dark, lush hair pulled back in a leather thong revealing his powerful neck. Rawr, ponytail.
With this image in mind I turned to tell him I would absolutely adore him in a ponytail when suddenly, a second image of Josh flashed across my mind.
Ponytail #2:
Josh is strolling down the lane of a quite country town. He is wearing jeans and a hand-knitted sweater to ward off the chill. Suddenly, he turns into his home and what appeared to be a slightly shaggy haircut is revealed to be a tiny awkward ponytail. Yikes.
Having had two very different visions, I again took stock of my fiancee.
"Darling, I would love you no matter what your hair looked like, but maybe you should stick with what you've got."
Sometimes, it's better not to know which of your fantasies would actually come true.
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